Dear Dr. Bobby,

I wake up nearly every night around 3 or 4am thinking about my ex having sex with her new boyfriend. What I think is a worst nightmare scenario for a guy has happened to me. I saw texts, photos, etc. and her new relationship with this guy seems to be based entirely on the guy having a gigantic porn star sized penis. Her nickname for him is even related to his penis size, which she would use to address him in texts. I just feel incredibly rejected and this has really messed with my self-esteem and confidence. This is going to haunt me for a long time and I don’t even know how to begin to get this out of my mind.

-Rejected

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Dear Rejected,

Thank you for writing. The vulnerable situation you are dealing with is a very common one, and I’m glad that you were brave enough to open up this conversation.

Finding out that your Ex is sleeping with someone new is devastating under the best of circumstances for exactly the reasons you described: It becomes all you can think about, and it takes a huge toll on your self worth. Finding out that their new flame may be “better than you” in some area intensifies these feelings. Everyone compares themselves to their partner’s new love interest. For you it’s penis size, but for others its that their rival is prettier, thinner, more interesting, sexier, wealthier, more successful, more fun… or just the fact that they were chosen over you. It is such a terrible feeling, and it can be tremendously damaging to your self worth if you give your Ex the power to define your worth for you.

I’ll give you the bottom line answer on how to cope with the trauma to your self esteem that this situation creates, as well as how to deal with the obsessions that go along with it.

Obsession:

Learning to manage obsessions requires very deliberate cognitive skills. You have to practice three things every time you notice that you are thinking about your Ex: Self Awareness, Mindfulness, and Thought Shifting. Self Awareness means that you need to “think about what you’re thinking about,” and notice when you are having intrusive thoughts about your Ex and her new guy. Once you notice that it’s happening you move on to step two: Mindfulness. This means shifting your awareness from what you are thinking about to what is happening in the here and now. Focus on what you can see, hear and feel. This will help you get out of your own head. Step three is to shift your attention to something positive or pleasurable, like upcoming plans, thoughts of gratitude, or even a temporary diversion. You will have to do this over and over again when you notice that obsession is happening. Over time it will get easier to do this.

Self Worth:

In my opinion, reclaiming your feelings of self worth in the aftermath of a traumatic break up is the deepest and hardest part of the work of recovery. Breaking up and feeling unwanted by your Ex can make you feel that you are flawed, or unlovable. This rejection is incredibly painful, especially when it is difficult for you to feel good about yourself without external validation. When you need someone else to love you, or think well of you, in order to feel good about yourself you are incredibly vulnerable because when that person you depend on takes their love away you fall into a pit of self-loathing and despair.

The real work of healing means that you unhook your sense of self worth from what other people think of you. When you decide that you will be your number one fan and develop a supportive and unconditionally loving attitude towards yourself, you will then become much less vulnerable to the ebb and flow of receiving love and affection from other people.

My suggestion to you is to write yourself a "love letter" expressing gratitude and admiration for all your positive qualities. Being your own" number-one fan" will help you take your power back from your Ex, and start feeling better.

Good luck--

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

**Note Dr. Lisa Bobby's opinions are that of her own and not that of Exaholics.com. Exaholics.com is a community and does not itself provide therapy.