During a troubled relationship and especially after the eventual break up, it becomes so easy to blame your Ex for all the troubles. Essentially we see them as the villain and we are the victim. Completely shifting the blame and all the bad behavior on to your ex is a coping or defense mechanism. Yes it hurts to lose someone, but blaming someone else completely, allows you to not have to deal with the additional emotional pain of looking at your own foibles, and you also get lots of attention from family and friends for being the victim.

While it may be true that there are some terrible people out there who can cause some real misery in a relationship, most often the old saying, “It takes two to tango,” has stood the test of time because that is also true. In other words both parties have been engaged in a dynamic which has resulted in good and yes bad times. Therefore both partners should take personal responsibility for the part they played in the relationship eventually coming to an end.

So even though a break- up is painful, it should be an opportunity to re-assess one’s own dysfunctional behaviors, especially in romantic relationships, in order to grow emotionally and not carry bad habits into a new relationship.

Dr. Jeff Gardere is a psychologist and contributing expert to EXaholics.com