An inevitable stage of breaking up is wishing you didn’t. Wishing that your partner could have been different. Sifting through the minutia of small moments where you might have said or done something that could have made a difference. Nursing hurts, and writhing in the injustice of your ex’s crappiness towards you.

But there is one idea that can cut through the angst like a searing sword of truth, and change your mood in an instant… That your break up was a good thing.

Here’s the deal: There is a reason why relationships end. Over the years in my private practice as a marriage counselor, I have learned that there is a very distinct difference between relationships that can be fixed and those that cannot.

The reason why relationships end is that there was an unsolvable problem — a core, unchangeable difference between you — AND in at least one partner, a lack of respect for the needs, rights and feelings of the other.

First of all, here’s my disclaimer: All relationships have “unsolvable problems.” Extroverts and introverts, generous people and tightwads, homebodies and adventurers, vegetarians and carnivores can all have beautiful relationships. As long as you can respect and appreciate each other for your differences, it’s going to be okay.

However, in couples I work with who do break up, there are major unsolvable problems AND a lack of respect or caring about the needs, rights and feelings of the other person (or an inability to be different enough to please their partner).

The truth is that we’re all a mixed bag. We all have good points, and we all have limitations. And the truth is also that some of what our partners want or need us to be in order for them to feel safe and loved by us may or may not be within our ability to provide— and vice versa. There are some things that we can learn to do better. But most of who we are is simply stable personality traits that are not going to change.

We all have rough edges that get smoothed in service of our relationships. I used to keep some lovely river stones in my office, and I’d show them to couples as the metaphor of what relationships do to us: As we tumble and crash against each other through the years our sharp corners get knocked off. We become smoother, more accommodating, more gracious. But a pink rock will always be a pink rock. And a grey stone will never be white.

I’ve worked with a number of couples over the years for whom the primary, core issue was a deep infuriation with each other for their intrinsic way of being: Their need for time alone (or together), their blindness to clutter (or need for order), or the fact that they cannot easily express affection (or are overly expressive). These things will not change.

Your Break Up Saved You From a Life of Misery.

If you could not tolerate the truth of who your partner is, and needed them to be fundamentally different on some core level in order to love them - you probably needed to break up. Likewise, if you were with someone who is absolutely unable or unwilling to understand or appreciate who actually are and work with that — your break up was a good thing. Ending that relationship saved you from a life of misery, and painful decades of attempting to be loved by someone who will never love you. (Or who is unable to change enough for you to truly love them).
This is your life. And to be with someone who doesn’t have basic respect or understanding for you is terrible. We all need a soft place to fall in the form of one secure relationship where we can be ourselves, and get comfort and love. And if you’re constantly getting rejected it takes a major toll.

Over time, It can do terrible damage to your self esteem, to your confidence, to your ability to be successful in other areas of your life if you’re constantly getting beaten down, criticized, or frozen out by the person who is supposed to love you the most. Getting out of a relationship where there is only contempt or rejection can be an enormously healthy decision.

The alternative is to stay in a relationship where you loose yourself completely, or have to become someone you’re not in order to stay with a particular person. It’s dehumanizing. It’s not good for you, and it’s not really good for your partner either. You both deserve to have a relationship build on authenticity and mutual respect and appreciation — not control, contempt and criticism.

Think of Your Break Up as a Gift.

I believe that challenging experiences can be gifts, if we use them as a doorway to growth. Relationships that end can be incredibly powerful in this way. Our relationships give us the opportunity to reflect on ourselves— on our feelings, how we interact with people, what we need in order to feel valued and loved. They also shape us, expand us, expose us to new situations, new people, new experiences.

We get to know ourselves better through our relationships: Areas we need to work on, what those rough corners are that really should get smoothed down. They also can illuminate what our core values are: What we are not willing to negotiate or give up to please another person. And what the necessary ingredients are for us to feel safe, happy and loved in a relationship.

By using relationships as a vehicle for growth, and expanding our understanding of ourselves and of others, we evolve. And in that evolution we become much more likely to recognize a good match when we meet one… next time.

So be grateful for your break up. It set you free.

Dr. Lisa Bobby is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, and a Board Certified Life Coach. She is a contributing expert to EXaholics.com and founder of Growingself.com