There is one thing that will help you heal from a break up faster than anything else: Connections with other people. Your relationships with friends, with family, with co-workers, and fellow Exaholics are the social life-raft that will support you, and help you heal during this harrowing time.
But life in the aftermath of a break-up is notoriously isolating. When you’re in a relationship, your husband, wife, or partner becomes the person with whom you spend almost all of your time. They are the person you watch TV with in the evening, the person you go to Target with on Sunday, and the person you attend birthday parties and barbecues with. They are just your go-to person. When all of a sudden they aren’t there, it can feel like a gaping hole in your life where your Ex used to be.
Worse yet, if you’ve been with your Ex for a long time you probably share many of the same friends. So it’s weird to hang out with old “couple friends,” and you may not know where the loyalties of mutual friends lie. (Or perhaps you know well that they are not with you).
So who else is going to go on a motorcycle with you? Or go on a weekend trip? Or be ready to talk to you when you need to vent? Your ex was probably your best friend. The loss of that relationship is immense, from a day-to-day perspective. And this is true even if the relationship itself was unhealthy for bigger reasons.
I frequently see my private practice clients get stuck in bad relationships (or try valiantly to end them, only to get sucked back in) because of one key factor: Loneliness. The loneliness, and lack of outside relationships, makes them incredibly vulnerable to re-engaging with their ex, or mutual friends that then lead them back to contact wit their ex. They have too much time on their hands to sit and feel sad, or think about the fun times they had with their Ex.
Furthermore, what happens to most people in relationships is that they naturally spend less time maintaining the independent connections they had from “life before” because so much of their time and energy is spent with their number-one person. When you spend years investing in your best friend, and creating a life together — and then that life ends — you may find yourself standing in an empty room thinking, “Where’d everybody go?”
The world may have moved on since your relationship started. Your old friends got married, had kids, or literally moved away. Or maybe you did. Either way, the social landscape of your life is different than it was before. And it can be very difficult to re-engage with old friends in the aftermath of a break up, when you might feel like you don’t have much positivity or fun to contribute.
And here’s the really hard part: When your relationship ends, you need outside relationships desperately. You need someone to talk to, someone to turn to for comfort, and someone to spend all that time with. BUT when you’re going through a break up, the last thing in the world you want to do is try to meet new people. (Especially when you feel like you might start sobbing every time you open your mouth). The only thing you can think about is your Ex. You probably feel so totally preoccupied by it, that the thought of trying to pick up a new mom-friend at the playground feels impossible.
This is honestly why I love Exaholics.com so much. The steps are great, don’t get me wrong, but the true power of the program that you can make friends with someone who is in exactly the same emotional space as you are, and that probably needs a friend just as bad as you do right now. I am so happy for you that you can hop online and connect with someone, and start to form new relationships that fill the hole in your heart that your number one person used to live.
And, it is also important for you to have new in-person relationships in other parts of your life too. If you’re feeling ready, here are some tips to help you make new friends.
1. Understand Relationships. Understand that relationships form in stages: Stranger, Acquaintance, Casual Friend, Good Friend. It takes time to move through these stages, and understanding what stage you’re in helps you interact with people appropriately.
2. Be Seen: In order to meet people you have to be out in the world, and available to talk. So take your face out of your phone, and put yourself where people are. Mingle.
3. Adjust Your Attitude. Choose to assume that all the people around you are simply friends you have’t met yet. Smile, look people in the eye, and be pleasant. Let people know you’re interested in them.
4. Engage. Look for natural opportunities to ask people (appropriate) questions, comment on shared experiences, or to spend more time together.
5. Go Slow. It takes a long time to build relationships. Rushing through the steps or “over-sharing” with new non-Exaholic acquaintances will make it harder for you to form high quality relationships, and might push others away.
6. Adjust Your Expectations. Save yourself from feeling rejected by reminding yourself that making friends is a numbers game. You might to make lots of new acquaintances before you find someone who is available for friendship. And out of many friends only one or two may become close friends. Cherish them.
(You can listen to an even more in-depth discussion of “How To Make Friends” on the latest “Love, Happiness and Success Podcast” on www.drlisabobby.com).
And of course, use this experience as a reminder of how incredibly important your relationships are to you. When you are ready to start dating again, be sure to maintain your outside relationships. You will be happier, and more secure if you have a strong support system — and maybe even that many more people to invite to the next wedding!
Dr. Lisa Bobby is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, and a Board Certified Life Coach. She is a contributing expert to EXaholics.com and founder of Growingself.com
