I believe that all ex boyfriends and girlfriends can be put in three categories:

Givers:  Those that give to their relationship without taking much in return.
Takers:  Those that constantly take from the relationship without giving much in return.
Givers and Takers or G & T’s:  These are the balanced relationships in which there is a steady amount of giving and taking on both sides.

How can you tell if you and your ex are givers, takers or both?

Takers

You find that while in the relationship, you always initiated contact with your ex. They respond when you do but when you open up to them you find they once again show little to no interest. When you called, they didn’t pick up, and they often got upset if they phoned you and got no response. They are very nice to you in social situations, especially around your friends and family.  - What you have here is a taker.  Takers can be very nice however their interactions with you rarely go beyond the surface. Takers also tend to be narcissistic in nature and feel as though the relationship and often the world, revolves around them. Takers generally have no idea that they are takers and often wouldn’t be interested in giving the thought much time or effort.

Givers

You or your ex initiated plans regularly.  They remembered your birthday, shared updates with you, and are genuinely interested in your life.  You are always very happy when you hear from this person and respond, however you rarely remember to contact this person when they don't contact you first. At any moment they will drop what they are doing to ensure that you have everything you need, often when it is unnecessary.

- This person is a giver.   He or she is always giving to you (giving is not the same as presents, it is more of the symbol of emotional giving).  Givers are often very loyal to the relationship, and in turn often hope to have this loyalty reciprocated, and also are typically ok even if it is not. Givers can sometimes be overbearing and smothering if boundaries of what is or isn’t appropriate aren’t established early on in a relationship.

G&T’s

You have an ex that regularly checks in and shares their life with you.  You get your information and share information with them directly, and not through social media.   When you have a birthday or celebration you always plan the event for this person, and the same is reciprocated, even when it isn’t convenient. At times of need, this person is there for you as you are for them, and can often go long periods of time without seeing this person (long distance relationships), and pick up right where you left of in previous times. These are examples of a relationship that is both giving and taking.

In Conclusion

All relationships are not created equally. You can be a giver in one relationship and a taker in the other.  In most relationships you are probably somewhere in between.  I have found that if you can be aware of those relationships with the takers in your life, you can learn to focus more on the ones that give as well as take.  This allows you keep those in your life that offer fulfilling relationships, and distance yourself from those that don’t. Awareness of how you are with others in a relationship can also help you ensure that you too are being the best partner that you possibly can be. If you can try to focus on this you may find happier, more satisfying relationships with your current and future partners.

Dr. Matt Borer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and an EXaholics.com contributing expert
www.mattborer.com